(Semi-) Formal Season

 

You’ll never look this cool.

Wedding season is approaching quickly. If you are between the ages of 25 and 32 that means one of four things:

 1. You are participating in your own nuptials this summer;

 2. You are participating in your friends’ nuptials;

 3. You are attending your friends’ nuptials; or

 4. You are embarrassing yourself by getting sloppy and looking sloppy at said nuptials.

Numbers 1 – 3 may each be an unfortunate inevitability for most us, but number 4 doesn’t have to be. At least not the part about looking sloppy. You are likely to need a proper tuxedo at some point.

Before I outline the “correct” details of a tux, let’s clarify the tuxedo’s place in a modern wardrobe. When you see “semi-formal” written on an invitation it means you are supposed to wear a tuxedo. In recent, slovenly times, the term “semi-formal” has come to connote baggy chinos and a Cheez Whiz-stained polo shirt. If you are going to be technically correct, however, semi-formal is the code word for black-tie (“formal” means that the intended attire is white tie). Your friends are stupid, so the host is unlikely to follow the rules – you should call to clarify their intentions.

If black-tie is the plan, you’ll need some guidance. My first piece of advice is to purchase your tuxedo. You are getting older now and you will find use for it increasingly often. Each time you rent a tux you are essentially taking out an $150 insurance policy to guarantee that you look like an a-hole. Even a cheap tuxedo will pay for itself in two wearings. You’d be well advised to purchase one under my keen tutelage.

What should that tux look like? Good question. … The last thing you want to do is to show-up looking like a high-schooler or a Hollywood rooky. Here are a few guidelines for a classic semi-formal rig:

Coat:

• 1 button closure. Period.
• Peak lapel or shawl collar. If you want to look like this dork get a notch lapel. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, though.
• Non- or dual-vented. Non-vented is the traditional choice, but it usually looks terrible in practice so dual-venting is acceptable. Center-venting is not acceptable.

Trousers:

• Flat fronts and pleats are both acceptable. If you choose pleats, forward pleats are ideal.
• Cuffs are never acceptable. Cuffs are for country clothing. Tuxedos do not count as country clothing.
• Plain waistband (no belt loop) with side tabs or adjusters. Trendy grosgrain waistband coverings should be avoided.

Accessories:

• Your waist must be covered. Period. This means either a cummerbund or a vest. Whichever you choose, it should be the same color as your tuxedo (black or midnight blue). Vests should be low-cut with three buttons.
• A bow tie is the only acceptable neckwear. Straight ties are popular in Hollywood right now, but they look incredibly ignorant. Get a real black bow-tie – the kind that you need to tie yourself. Pre-tied bow-ties are for clowns and liberals.
• Shoes should either be plain-toe balmorals or pumps. Patent leather, velvet, and even highly polished calf are all fine. Wearing square-toed, rubber-soled shoes from Aldo will get you removed from the event.
• Your shirt should have either a wing or turn-down collar. It will obviously be white, and French cuffs are absolutely mandatory. Formal and semi-formal shirts should never have a pocket. You may choose either pleat-front (“Swiss pleats”) or plain-front styles as long as the shirt has provisions for studs or a concealed placket.

There you have it: a basic run-down of semi-formal wedding attire. The odds are you will never be asked to attend a true “formal,” white-tie event. In that case, you would need to wear a morning suit or tails. Highly unlikely. Knowing the rules for a tuxedo – and knowing how to decipher an invitation – should do you well enough. Unfortunately it’s difficult to find a tux that meets the classic criteria; most manufacturers have given-in to poorly-informed bourgeois tastes. A solid made-to-measure (MTM) program may be your best investment. Go buy a classic tuxedo for your next wedding or important event. I have a bunch of weddings this summer; I’m going to as well.

Tailors: Just for Jerks?

They saw an alterations tailor prior to the hearing. Clearly.

The most important single quality that your good clothes need to posses is good fit. Even the most expensive garments will make you look like Barney Frank if they don’t fit properly. Work with a proper tailor to achieve proper fit unless you get everything custom made. Not a seamstress at the local cleaners, but a real alterations professional.

It can be difficult for the un-initiated to figure out exactly which of the local needle-and-thread set are the real deal, and which are downright scam artists. Here are a few pointers for finding a good alterations shop:

~     Go to the best men’s shop in the area and ask for a recommendation. Trust their opinion as long as they don’t automatically recommend their own tailor.

~     Go to the best hotel in town if you aren’t knowledgeable enough to determine which men’s stores in your area are the real deal. Almost anyone can tell a classy hotel from a flea-trap, and in a big city all you need to do is look for a place like the Ritz Carlton or the Four Seasons. Ask the concierge where the hotel sends its alterations work; odds are it is a trusted tailor.

~     Visit the tailor in question and have a look around: What type of clients do they serve? Are there any write-ups or articles from trusted sources hanging on the walls that indicate the tailor is locally respected? Ask the tailor about their background; both of the alterations tailors I use are bench tailors by trade. Check to see that he actually does most of the work, and that the helpers in back only do simple jobs (this is critical).

~     Ask someone like me if you can. I clearly know what I’m talking about.

Don’t be afraid to use your tailor once you locate him. It goes with out saying that basic jobs like trouser hems will always need adjustment off the rack. Don’t forget there are many other jobs a trusted tailor can do that will make your clothes fit more properly. Have the waist of your coat taken in to add more shape (~ $30). Have the coat sleeves slimmed-down so they aren’t so floppy (~ $40). Have the tailor make sure the back of your collar lies perfectly smooth and tight around your neck (~ $30-50). Have your shirts tapered to hug your beer gut and flabby arms (~ $20). Hell, have your girlfriend get her dress taken in so it makes her chest look bigger than it really is (~ Priceless). The list goes on.

My list of three pet peeves that a tailor can easily fix (drum roll for all you a-holes that are guilty of these – you know who you are):

3. Collars gapping (your collar should hug your neck, not stand a foot away. Have a look at Obama’s “ensemble” at the inaugural ball)

2. Trousers puddling around your ankles (both men and women are seriously guilty of this – read my article on britches)

1. Coat sleeves too long (they should stop exactly at your wrist. NOT your knuckles, skippy.)

I hope this teaches you a lesson. I want to puke sometimes when I see someone who has dropped a few hundred dollars on a suit and was too stupid to have it fit. Those guys look seriously trifling. Be a man and make them feel badly about themselves. Make friends with a tailor.

Brush the dirt off your shoulder…

Use it.

Over-use of dry cleaning services is ignorant.  There is no faster way to ruin tailored clothing than to dry clean it.  Dry cleaning is necessary when spills and stains happen, but it is rarely required outside of those circumstances. Over-dry cleaning results in un-pleasant degradation of wool and shine on your clothes. Don’t do it unless you have to. 

The better solution is to regularly brush your clothes with a proper clothes brush. A good brushing before and after wear ensures that dust and dirt don’t get a chance to grind into your garment’s fabric, helping your clothes to last longer and look better. Kent is the manufacturer of choice for clothing brushes. At approximately $20 on eBay, they are the deal of the century.

Brushing your tailored clothes will allow you to avoid the shoddy dry-cleaning that you may be subject to otherwise. If you must dry clean your clothes, find an appropriate cleaner. In D.C. there are only two respectable cleaners  that can truly be trusted– American Valet and Parkway Custom Cleaners.

A brief lesson, but an important lesson. Dry cleaning is for bush-leaguers. Do like Jay-Z does and get brushin’; as my friend Dirtball would say, “It’s the way forward.”

Button Logic

I present to you the "SAN" rule

Today we discuss coat buttoning. The defining characteristic of a (suit or sports) coat is the number of buttons it has on the front. There are other important stylistic details, but none carry the weight of the button layout. In fact, when you describe a coat, you describe it by how many buttons it has – “Hand me that two button coat over there, will ‘Ya, Stan? You tool.” 

By the way, today we are discussing single-breasted coats. Double-breasted coats will receive dedicated attention in a future installment. Any single-breasted coat fit to wear has either one, two, or three buttons. Four and five buttons are only acceptable if you are a television sports analyst bent on displaying bad taste. And yes, Michael Irvin looks like joker. Also keep in mind that your coat should remain buttoned anytime you are standing. Walking around with your coat undone makes you look like a slob unless you are very good-looking and have reached an advanced level of freshness. Like me. Let’s take a closer look at each of the acceptable options: 

One button – The one button coat is most commonly seen on a tuxedo. (In fact, a proper single-breasted tux should be a single button model. Multi-button tuxedos should be saved for the pre-schoolers in your life.) One button coats are also common in the bespoke world, and are a default stylistic choice at many Savile Row firms. I’ve also seen more and more one button coats in the department stores recently, turning up on moderately priced business suits. 

The advantage of the one button style is that it makes you appear to be taller. The single button allows quit a bit of shirt to show, and creates a long “V” shape above the closure that adds visual height to your appearance. As I see it, the only real disadvantage to one button coats in a business context is their relative rarity in the U.S. You may inadvertently give others the impression that you are a snooty, unqualified, over-paid consultant since they assume your coat is custom-made. 

Two button – Two button coats never go out of style and are always acceptable (other than on a tuxedo, of course). The two button style is a nice compromise between one button and three button styles as it captures the advantages of both together in one place. A two button coat creates a “V” of exposed shirt nearly as long as that of a one button coat while providing just enough extra fabric to ensure that you are always properly conservative. This is handy should you have to do something mundane like ring the closing bell at the NYSE on the day your IPO hits. Two button coats have no disadvantages; almost all of my coats are two button. 

Three button – Three button coats have enjoyed varying levels of popularity over the years in the U.S. Generally, they are sufficiently fresh if you know how to use the various sub-styles that three button coats offer:

• The “Hard (or High) Roll” – This style was popular with Ross Gellar. It is characterized by a very short lapel that stops immediately above the top button, which is placed relatively high up. While it is much better than a four button coat, I see two big disadvantages to this style (even though I admit I still have one in my rotation). 1) This style creates a very small “V” shape above the closure. If you are short, the relative lack of “V” will enhance your lack of height. 2) For the same reason this style makes you look like a walking bolt of fabric if you are big like Arnold Schwarzenegger – there’s just so much fabric. Button either the middle button alone, or the top and middle buttons. 
• The “3/2 Sack” – This is the style of coat that your grandfather wore in the 50s and 60s. The lapel is rolled completely over the top button (notice the way the top button hole is actually in the lapel) and is not intended to be buttoned. These coats also usually come without darts, which means that they are fuller through the chest. This is still the coat of choice for dudes from Ivy league schools and wannabe prepsters. Button only the middle button. 
• The “3/2.5” – The 3/2.5 is half way between the Hard Roll and the 3/2 Sack. It is by far the freshest three button style. Slick Italians wear these often. Note the way that the lapel rolls almost to the middle button, but is not pressed as hard as the 3/2/ Sack. Rather, it is nicely rolled. If Sinatra were alive today and wanted to wear a three button coat, it would surely be a 3/2.5. Button only the middle button. 

Just remember the “SAN” rule and you’ll never again look like a tool. Button-up fresh.

Egregious Offences: Looking Like You’re 14

If you haven’t been able to ascertain, 60% of FD’s mission is to school you. Commuting on the Metro provides plenty of opportunities to see rat-race types make sartorial offences. Although most of these offences could be labeled as train wrecks, I can usually control myself. But when I see guys wearing a tie and no coat I have to do everything in my power not to jack the guy’s jaw.

You see, there is no quicker way to make yourself look like you’re headed to a high school dance than to wear a tie without a coat. If you wear a tie without a coat, you WILL look like a clueless dumb-ass. I mean seriously, are you really so much of a slob that you can’t be bothered with taking 5 seconds to put on a coat? Don’t you at least own a blazer (“blazer” generally means a navy coat with high contrast – usually gold – buttons, by the way. That shiny gray number your girlfriend Daisy bought you for your birthday – the one with 10% elastane content – isn’t a blazer, it’s a sports coat)? If you’re not wearing a tie, don’t sweat it. No coat needed. But if you are wearing a tie grow up.

Sorry if I’m starting to sound obnoxious. Please wear a coat with your tie; you’re not 14 anymore. Maybe you’ll actually get a bonus this year.